I want to be like Oprah

Yep. I'd like to be a talk show host when I grow up. Ryan Seacrest... have I got some questions for you. I've decided once again though that in order to achieve my life goals I'm going to start by blogging.

My best friend

in this season of life, i'm single. that means when I have a really bad day or when I need a hug I...
call a friend and go over to a their house after work to chat. I may or may not open up about my sadness depending on how vulnerable I'm able to be in that moment and whether or not I open up on the phone and tell them I need to chat out life for a bit...

OR I meet up with friends after work to eat and begin bawling in the parking lot as we say goodbye. That is again if I let them know as we are coordinating meeting up that I'm struggling with some issues.

OR simply I keep it together at dinner or at their houses and go home and cry by myself in the comfort of my house ALONE.

Now, you might say why don't you tell them you are sad? In this phase of life when everyone has a boyfriend or a husband to chat out life things I just feel as if I need to handle things on my own.

Breaking Apart

Dealing with the post traumatic stress has caused me to not be able to handle life the way I always have. Although that sounds very sad it's actually quite beautiful because whenever there is any stress in my life it has become a big deal to get over. Currently I'm stressed by the fact that my inability to handle a situation affected others. Normally, I try to handle everything on my own and through this I'm painfully being ripped of my safe island of isolation. We were meant to need the support of others. I need others to comfort me through this stress because I cannot deal with it by myself. God created us to be in relationship with others. Now, more than ever I need others to let me know that this pain is temporary.
written 7.21.08

Avoiding Beauty

Busy, busy, busy. That's what my friends always say I am. Two points of view here
1. That I'm so busy there is no time for anything else. Some might say that it's a busyness to avoid things in my life.
2. My Dad always says, "You can sleep when you get to heaven." Seeing as though I was raised... behind a boat, on ski slopes, riding dirt bikes, in a tent, at a hotel, in a plane, with a racket, at the pool, in a gym tumbling around, on a bike, with some sort of ball, on a computer, with a paint brush, hammer or other tool, hiking the great outdoors, and cheering folks on from the sidelines it's no doubt that I have many, MANY interests.

I love life and all the many things there are to enjoy here on earth. As I've grown up I've had to learn what my parents were pretty good at... Keeping me entertained. There is a fine balance when you are a very inquisitive person!

Dealing with the emotions post my parents accident has been incredibly difficult. At first I couldn't so I kept very busy being out with friends so that I didn't have to face time alone. Currently I am facing the impact their accident has made on my life and it's not been easy. Yes it includes a counselor.

This morning the pastor had a very valid point that I think we all need to think about. When you choose to stay busy busy and avoid what God is teaching you then you are also avoiding the blessing that God is wanting to give you. Though things are hard I'm glad that I can now handle them on my own. In doing so my weakness is made strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9:
9But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!

written 7/20/08

So He's My Brother...

A friend recently told me that a good way to not get emotional about guys is to think of them as I would think of my brother. It's pretty easy to be "just friends" with my brother. I mean it would be illegal otherwise! One thing I am pretty good at is being a sister. In particular an older sister. The friend also said to think of guys in my life as someone else's future husband. I've heard this thought before but it's never sunk into my thick skull.

Over the course of the last week I've learned through exhaustion, time with God and acceptance that I need to relinquish control of my life to God. I try too hard to make things perfect which in turn decapitates the Holy Spirit within me. It's not fun and leaves me wicked stressed out. So... I'm learning painfully to let things evolve as they may, to have more patience and how to care more for others.

I want peace in my life. I see peace in others lives. I want that same peace. I want to trust, to be just and to be loyal to those I'm surrounded by.

Written 6/27/08, the day before my brothers birthday.

Malibu

This weekend I went up to British Columbia, Canada to visit old friends and serve as part of the work crew at the Young Life's Malibu Club. It was an amazing weekend filled with numerous blessings that I did not anticipate. The biggest blessings came in self revelations.

1. I realized that I still have some anger from a prior relationship with an old boyfriend.
2. Currently I don't have a deep enough Christian and social community in Nashville.
3. Standing out on the Big Sqawka deck I began to feel overwhelmed by the impact of my parents accident on my life. While weeping I praised God that he spared their lives.

One thing that stood out to me was the way everyone loved each other. Perhaps it's from them spending so much time at this spiritually blessed place on earth? Perhaps it's just the depth of their relationships with God. I'm not sure but one thing is for sure. My friends love each other well. For this I'm so grateful. It's like seeing a bit of what heaven will be like.

Here's an example...
A friend who had recently experienced a trauma in her life was having a moment that she couldn't handle on her own. From what I've been learning this is not abnormal when you go through traumatic events. Those close to her rallied around camp to fill in the spot she was supposed to be working AND the spot of her boyfriend so that he could comfort her through this hard time. Everyone was very understanding. There was no question about how and what was supposed to be done or how because these folks had been working hard at pulling her through this season of life. It was such a beautiful thing to watch. Later no one made her feel uncomfortable for not being able to handle that afternoon. Can you guys imagine? This is the way we are supposed to live in community. We are to learn how to love each other well. Do you know how to love your friends as they need to be loved? If so are you doing it? Seek the Lord for guidance. He is the lover of all.

written 5.27.08 Nashville, TN

NJ

NJ's got everything in just the place that makes you think... huh. As I was driving onto Rutgers campus tonight I drove by a store called "Havanna Grocery" it sat next to the Chinese Laundry and across the street from the "Picken Chicken" place. Perhaps it's because I'm tired but I've never seen such a calamity of stores put together on the same street corner. Just down a bit further was the ROCKOUT hall. That was my pick of the four to explore.

This morning on The View the ladies were talking about how suicide rates were up for folks in their middle age. They blamed it on the internet and how people no longer communicate with each other. Oddly enough my purpose for this blog is to write things that you'll talk about with each other. My hope is that reading this will make you want to call your friend and say, "Hey girl. So today I..." or "Hello Friend, I need you right now to tell me I'm..."

I was inspired by four girls walking down the street today arm in arm. One tried to turn back but her friend on her right and left didn't let her break arms with them. She was obviously upset about something. The friends knew she needed to keep on walking and so they held her up as they walked on forward, not allowing their friend to turn back. Why did she want to turn back? I'm not sure. Doesn't matter. What matters is she was surrounded by three folks that cared enough about her to link arms with her and get her where she needed to go. Those were good friends. I've got some good friends. My weakness is allowing them to link arms with me and get me where I need to be. Do you let your friends help you? Do you tell them when you need help? In closing I hope this blog pushes you to rely on others. To be in community with one another and LOVE EACH OTHER.

Exodus 17 is a fab story of friends helping each other out in a battle...
Here's verse 12: When Moses' hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset.

written in Sommerset, NJ on 4.1.08